10 things to know about your partner before getting engaged
By Yuki Hayashi
FULLY ENGAGED Are you in love with a complete stranger? Seriously: how much do you and your partner really know one another? A little mystery can be a good thing, but constantly being surprised is not… not if your goal is to marry - and stay married. Here are 10 things you need to know about your significant other - upfront, and stat.
Brad and Angelina have similar interests
#1 DO WE SHARE COMPLEMENTARY INTERESTS?
Ask yourself "do we enjoy doing similar things? You need to be able to have fun together," says Dr. Alina Wydra, a Vancouver-based registered psychologist, couples and sex therapist.
What does this guy do for fun? Does he enjoy active pursuits or passive ones? Highbrow culture or mass entertainment? Exploring new things or sticking with what he knows? Your interests don't have to be identical, but they should be complementary.
Extremely divergent interests coupled with an unwillingness to try what the other loves, will likely lead to tension down the road.
#1 DO WE SHARE COMPLEMENTARY INTERESTS?
Ask yourself "do we enjoy doing similar things? You need to be able to have fun together," says Dr. Alina Wydra, a Vancouver-based registered psychologist, couples and sex therapist.
What does this guy do for fun? Does he enjoy active pursuits or passive ones? Highbrow culture or mass entertainment? Exploring new things or sticking with what he knows? Your interests don't have to be identical, but they should be complementary.
Extremely divergent interests coupled with an unwillingness to try what the other loves, will likely lead to tension down the road.
More stories from Flare
- Libido Boosters
- Celebrity Couples Who Dress Alike
- 10 Reasons Why He Hasn't Proposed (Yet)
- The Single Lady's Bucket List
- 5 Ideas to Steal from Celebrity Weddings
Does your partner have too much baggage?
#2 WHAT KIND OF FAMILY BAGGAGE IS HE TOTING?
Worst-case scenario, your guy hates his parents. His sister is a hoarder. His brother isn't allowed near schoolyards…
More likely scenario: he was shattered by his parents' divorce and feels conflicted about the two separate holiday celebrations he has to timeshare. Or he has a rivalry that goes beyond friendly, with his brother.
How does he deal with the family drama? Can he shrug off a disastrous Thanksgiving or will it make him seethe for months?
And can you deal with his family baggage? Because once you marry, they're your family, too - even more so once you have kids.
#2 WHAT KIND OF FAMILY BAGGAGE IS HE TOTING?
Worst-case scenario, your guy hates his parents. His sister is a hoarder. His brother isn't allowed near schoolyards…
More likely scenario: he was shattered by his parents' divorce and feels conflicted about the two separate holiday celebrations he has to timeshare. Or he has a rivalry that goes beyond friendly, with his brother.
How does he deal with the family drama? Can he shrug off a disastrous Thanksgiving or will it make him seethe for months?
And can you deal with his family baggage? Because once you marry, they're your family, too - even more so once you have kids.
David and Victoria Beckham are all about goals
#3 WHAT ARE HIS GOALS?
Can you see yourselves as a married couple, working together on attaining shared goals, asks Dr. Wydra.
Talk about your ambitions and what it will take to reach them. Are you guys on the same page? If his five-year goal is to start a family and buy a house in an upscale part of town, while yours is to live in a beach shack in Colombia while writing a book about surfing, chances are, this is one match that screams "starter marriage."
#3 WHAT ARE HIS GOALS?
Can you see yourselves as a married couple, working together on attaining shared goals, asks Dr. Wydra.
Talk about your ambitions and what it will take to reach them. Are you guys on the same page? If his five-year goal is to start a family and buy a house in an upscale part of town, while yours is to live in a beach shack in Colombia while writing a book about surfing, chances are, this is one match that screams "starter marriage."
Money is the number one reason couples call it quits
#4 WHERE ARE WE ON THE F-WORD (FINANCES)?
"A lot of times, marriages break down over issues related to money management," says Anita Dorczak, an Edmonton-based divorce lawyer and mediator with over two decades' experience dealing with the fallout of marriages gone wrong.
While it may feel awkward talking money, it's essential. "Get to know the financial situation of your spouse-to-be as much as possible in the early days of your relationship," advises Dorczak.
There's nothing gold-diggerish about wanting to know if he's got great assets or mounting debt, if his credit rating's good or bad, or if his car's about one week away from being repo'ed. And he deserves to know the same about you.
#4 WHERE ARE WE ON THE F-WORD (FINANCES)?
"A lot of times, marriages break down over issues related to money management," says Anita Dorczak, an Edmonton-based divorce lawyer and mediator with over two decades' experience dealing with the fallout of marriages gone wrong.
While it may feel awkward talking money, it's essential. "Get to know the financial situation of your spouse-to-be as much as possible in the early days of your relationship," advises Dorczak.
There's nothing gold-diggerish about wanting to know if he's got great assets or mounting debt, if his credit rating's good or bad, or if his car's about one week away from being repo'ed. And he deserves to know the same about you.
Tom Cruise looks after all of his kids
#5 IS HE SUPPORTING KIDS FROM A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP?
Also on the financial front, if your man's paying child-support to his ex, "don't hesitate to ask questions about this obligation: how much, and for how long. A $1,000 payment - or whatever the amount - will be coming out of YOUR budget in the future," says Dorczak.
And remember: a man who reneges on child support obligations is a man who doesn't respect his responsibilities as a father. Is that someone you want to marry?
#5 IS HE SUPPORTING KIDS FROM A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP?
Also on the financial front, if your man's paying child-support to his ex, "don't hesitate to ask questions about this obligation: how much, and for how long. A $1,000 payment - or whatever the amount - will be coming out of YOUR budget in the future," says Dorczak.
And remember: a man who reneges on child support obligations is a man who doesn't respect his responsibilities as a father. Is that someone you want to marry?
Sandra Bullock and ex Jesse James had different ideas on sex
#6 ARE YOU BOTH REALISTIC ABOUT SEX?
Sure, you've probably done it… a lot. However, what may surprise you is what happens once the honeymoon period is over.
"Generally, sex at the beginning is very exciting, in discovering and being discovered. It inevitably slows down in time, and particularly after the need to 'get' the other person lessens. Marriage creates the security of 'having' your partner, so you no longer need to chase and seduce. The meaning of sex changes to become an expression of love and connection. We don't know much about that in our society; in movies and ads, sex is depicted only in its lustful getting the girl/guy aspects," says sex therapist Dr. Wydra.
Knowing this, expecting it, and working through it is key. "Good communication is difficult - and crucial," says Wydra.
#6 ARE YOU BOTH REALISTIC ABOUT SEX?
Sure, you've probably done it… a lot. However, what may surprise you is what happens once the honeymoon period is over.
"Generally, sex at the beginning is very exciting, in discovering and being discovered. It inevitably slows down in time, and particularly after the need to 'get' the other person lessens. Marriage creates the security of 'having' your partner, so you no longer need to chase and seduce. The meaning of sex changes to become an expression of love and connection. We don't know much about that in our society; in movies and ads, sex is depicted only in its lustful getting the girl/guy aspects," says sex therapist Dr. Wydra.
Knowing this, expecting it, and working through it is key. "Good communication is difficult - and crucial," says Wydra.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel work out together
#7 WHAT ABOUT HIS (AND YOUR) HEALTH?
Each of you should know if the other has any serious health issues, or if they run in the family.
For instance, maybe the men in his family are predisposed to heart disease.
Or he has a severely disabled sister whom he'll be responsible for taking care of one day when their parents are no longer able to.
Or your family has a history of mental illness.
Severe health issues have a tendency to bring out either the best or the worst in people. The odds are always better if you're realistic about the challenges that you - or your kids, since many health conditions are hereditary - may face together.
#7 WHAT ABOUT HIS (AND YOUR) HEALTH?
Each of you should know if the other has any serious health issues, or if they run in the family.
For instance, maybe the men in his family are predisposed to heart disease.
Or he has a severely disabled sister whom he'll be responsible for taking care of one day when their parents are no longer able to.
Or your family has a history of mental illness.
Severe health issues have a tendency to bring out either the best or the worst in people. The odds are always better if you're realistic about the challenges that you - or your kids, since many health conditions are hereditary - may face together.
Connect with Flare
Find us on Facebook!
Follow us on Twitter!
Follow us via RSS!
Catch up with our newsletter
Follow us on YouTube!
Find us on Facebook!
Follow us on Twitter!
Follow us via RSS!
Catch up with our newsletter
Follow us on YouTube!
Anne Hathaway's ex had questionable ethics
#8 WHAT ARE HIS ETHICS?
For every corporate huckster, there's a woman glad to wear the diamonds and Louboutins paid for by his ill-gotten gains. And likewise, for every dedicated volunteer doc who's not bringing in the big bucks while providing medical care to Third World orphans, there's a woman risking dengue fever and building schoolhouses down the dirt road from her man.
Shared values form a stronger basis for a relationship, so ask yourself "Are our ethics the same, in terms of personal and social considerations," says couples therapist Dr. Wydra.
While the examples above are extremes, we go through a litany of ethical choices every day, from how we spend our money to where we live, what we drive and whether we'd ever renege on a contract (including wedding vows). Are you guys simpatico?
#8 WHAT ARE HIS ETHICS?
For every corporate huckster, there's a woman glad to wear the diamonds and Louboutins paid for by his ill-gotten gains. And likewise, for every dedicated volunteer doc who's not bringing in the big bucks while providing medical care to Third World orphans, there's a woman risking dengue fever and building schoolhouses down the dirt road from her man.
Shared values form a stronger basis for a relationship, so ask yourself "Are our ethics the same, in terms of personal and social considerations," says couples therapist Dr. Wydra.
While the examples above are extremes, we go through a litany of ethical choices every day, from how we spend our money to where we live, what we drive and whether we'd ever renege on a contract (including wedding vows). Are you guys simpatico?
Nicole Kidman stood by Keith Urban and his addiction issues
#9 IS HE BATTLING AN ADDICTION?
Addiction will affect your lives together. Besides making everyday life awkward, someone addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling can plough through life savings (his and yours), even resorting to theft or fraud, to feed his habit.
A recovering addict should be enrolled in, and sticking with, a 12-step or similar support program, and be receiving ongoing therapy. Bottom line however: if you want to get out, get out. Standing by someone as they work their way through recovery is hard - possibly heart-breaking - work.
#9 IS HE BATTLING AN ADDICTION?
Addiction will affect your lives together. Besides making everyday life awkward, someone addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling can plough through life savings (his and yours), even resorting to theft or fraud, to feed his habit.
A recovering addict should be enrolled in, and sticking with, a 12-step or similar support program, and be receiving ongoing therapy. Bottom line however: if you want to get out, get out. Standing by someone as they work their way through recovery is hard - possibly heart-breaking - work.
#10 DOES HE HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD?
The last thing you need to find out at an airport customs counter is that your new husband's on a do-not-enter list. Kidding. Sort of.
If your partner had a brush with the law, you should know. It may affect his employment and lifelong earning potential, as well as how you feel about him as a person.
Did he get caught tipping over a giant ice cream cone statue as a frat prank?
Was he arrested for punching a rival sports fan?
Did he get charged with trespassing after chaining himself to a bulldozer as part of a logging protest?
Does he have a history of drunk driving?
Did he get arrested for hitting his ex?
These are things you need to know.
The last thing you need to find out at an airport customs counter is that your new husband's on a do-not-enter list. Kidding. Sort of.
If your partner had a brush with the law, you should know. It may affect his employment and lifelong earning potential, as well as how you feel about him as a person.
Did he get caught tipping over a giant ice cream cone statue as a frat prank?
Was he arrested for punching a rival sports fan?
Did he get charged with trespassing after chaining himself to a bulldozer as part of a logging protest?
Does he have a history of drunk driving?
Did he get arrested for hitting his ex?
These are things you need to know.
